Road to Nowhere
by Roadboat8
Summary: Jake and Mike Palmer are two 13 year olds staying with their grandparents for the summer in Gravity Falls. Watch as they, and their older cousin Mark, adjust to life in town, make new friends, even find romance along the way. Rated T for some coarse language. Slice of Life Dramedy. MabelXOC DipperXPacifica CandyXOC WendyXOC On hiatus for now, will update when I can.


**A/N:** **I've decided to edit this first chapter, to address the problems it had. Namely, Wendy being out of character, and the fate of the girls who were mad at Dipper in "Roadside Attraction". I've changed them. The rest of the chapter I have kept the same.**

Road to Nowhere

Chapter 1: Welcome Home

Song: _Welcome Home_ by King Diamond.

May 31, 2013

"Soos, come here!" Stan cried out from the living room of the Mystery Shack. "Those tourist trap jerks are getting theirs!"

"Coming, Mr. Pines!" Soos speed-walked (he didn't want to run, he'd end up tripping) into the living room and took a seat next to Melody on the couch (they had moved the couch from its previous location on the porch, into the living room to, as Soos put it, "make movie nights more convenient").

On the TV, a reporter was commenting on "an apparent crime ring in the local tourist attraction industry. The criminal activities ranged from arson, to vandalism, to endangerment. One man managed to put a stop to it. Here's Al with that very man."

The camera then switched to a different reporter, standing next to a man in his 70s. The reporter spoke up "Thanks, Jim. Here with me is Arthur Palmer, the man who uncovered the criminal ring of tourist attraction owners along the Redwood Highway."

Stan was exasperated. "Come on! The other guy just said that!" He was quickly shushed by the others, especially Art's wife, Miriam. He quieted down, and went back to watching.

"The four criminals were the owners of Log Land, Upside-Down Town, a local corn maze, and, most unfortunately, Granny Sweetkin, creator of the world's largest ball of yarn. Mr. Palmer, how does it feel to know that you have helped apprehend these ruthless monsters?"

The old man, credited on the newscast as "Arthur Palmer, tourist" was as humble as that title implied. "You know, I don't feel like a hero. I mean, I'm just a tourist, on vacation. But when I found out these jerks were breaking laws and hurting people, I had to try and stop it. Cause that's what good people do, right?" The reporter nodded "Exactly. We also have with us Mr. Palmer's grandchildren, who gave us their opinions of what happened."

The camera cut to three children, "Jake and Mike Palmer, 13" and "Mark Palmer, 17." "They were creeps," Jake was saying,with the other two voicing their agreement, "what kind of monster duct tapes an innocent person to the ceiling for three days?!"

"The kind that's in jail now!" Stan crowed. Mabel cheered along with him. "Yeah, that cute guy is right!"

Stan laughed, "Somehow I know you aren't talking about me."

Mabel nodded, "You're more 'old guy cute'. But this guy, whoa!" Dipper sighed in resignation. "Mabel, seriously? We're watching the news about some of our uncle's worst enemies finally getting karma, and you _still_ can't stop looking for guys to date!?"

Mabel got that dreamy look in her eyes that signaled she really liked a guy, and explained to Dipper her reasoning: "But he has dorky glasses, and braces, and looks really good in that _Dawn of the Dead_ t-shirt!"

Wendy finally spoke up "Sorry dude, but I'm going to agree with Dipper on this one. You don't even know the guy!"

Mabel was persistent "But I will soon! And don't think I didn't see _you_ with that look when you saw Mark!"

Wendy blushed "Okay, you got me. He's cute, and, from what Mrs. Palmer tells me, seems like a nice guy. A nice guy is really what I need right now."

Miriam put a comforting hand on Wendy's shoulder. "Don't worry, dear. You two would make a nice couple." Wendy smiled, "Thanks. Is Mabel rubbing off on you?"

Mabel cheered. "You know it! I'm gonna match up everybody! I wonder who I could match Mike up with?"

Stan groaned "Your crush talk is getting in the way of _my_ triumphant gloating! It's gonna be hard for those jerks to prank the Mystery Shack from prison!"

The report was finished, so Stan turned the TV off. "Those jerks got what they deserved, so nothing else matters."

Dipper decided to change the subject. "So, Jake and the others will be arriving here tomorrow, right?"

Miriam nodded. "Yes, I think so."

Mabel jumped up and began babbling excitedly about her plans. "Okay, I need to make them all sweaters! I need their favorite colors, movies, video games, everything!"

Dipper put his hand to his forehead in annoyance. "Mabel, wait until they actually _get here_ before you start making them sweaters."

Mabel gasped. "But Dipper, how will I make friends with them if I don't give them all sweaters? I don't want to start off on the wrong foot with them."

"Somehow, I don't think you'll have that problem." Dipper remarked.

Miriam consoled Mabel "They wouldn't mind being made sweaters after you're all introduced."

Mabel smiled. "Okay. I know they'll like me. They're probably all really cool!"

* * *

The Next Morning

"Are we there yet?", Jake Palmer asked his grandfather, while nervously fidgeting in the car seat.

"Almost," his grandfather replied. In the passenger seat, Jake's older cousin Mark, upon hearing his cousin's apprehension, turned around to console him. "Don't worry, from what Grandpa said, this town is pretty cool. Like Wellsville combined with Twin Peaks. Right, Grandpa?"

Grandpa laughed and nodded, "Right, except there's no chance of being possessed by Bill."

Jake and Mark both corrected him with, "It's Bob, Grandpa."

Art laughed nervously, "Right, Bob. What did I say, Bill? Who's Bill? It's obviously Bob!"

Jake and Mark though this was kind of odd, but decided to chalk it up to being a slip of the tongue.

In the seat next to Jake, Mike was mulling over something, and decided to speak his mind. "What kind of name for a town _is_ Gravity Falls anyway? I mean, I know there _is_ a falls in the town, but, gravity doesn't fall! Gravity is the constant that, when applied to things, makes them fall! Am I just nitpicking, or...?"

Jake shook his head "No, you're right. It does sound like a weird name for a town, but it _is_ a weird town. I mean, monsters, ghosts, Quentin Trembley..."

"He _does_ exist! Oh man, wait until the guys back home hear this!"

"That doesn't mean your other theories are true!" Jake interrupted. "Sev'ral Timez are _brothers_ , not clones, the wings on the Love God's back are props, and the Eye of Providence on the back of dollar bills is not an Illuminati symbol!"

Mike sighed, "Fine, just one of my theories is true."

Jake put a hand on Mike's shoulder. "Cheer up, at least we'll make friends here. Like Dipper and Mabel."

Grandpa chimed in. "They'll make friends with you _instantly_! Real nice kids, you'd get along great!"

Mike nodded, reassured by his family. "So, are we almost there?"

"Yep, just passed the road to the Mystery Shack, we'll be going there after we get settled at home. Mim's really going to be happy to see you kids!"

Jake chuckled "We'll be happy to see her too! Got the boombox ready?"

Mark picked the boombox off the car floor and nodded "Yep! Tape's in there and everything!"

Jake pumped his fist in the air "Yes! She is gonna be _so_ surprised when we show up."

"It's not like she knows we're coming." Mike snarked.

Jake rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean!"

A few minutes passed, as Grandpa drove through town, pointing out the various points of interest along the way. There was Greasy's (which he said, to Jake's sadness, did not have a _Rampage: World Tour_ arcade game), the car lot where he got his RV, he even pointed out the abandoned Dusk 2 Dawn (which, again to Jake's sadness, did not have vampires). Finally they pulled up in front of grandmother's house.

Jake and Mark looked at each other, the biggest smiles on their faces. "You ready to do this?"

"Oh, yeah. Hit it!" Mark pressed play on the boombox, and King Diamond's _Welcome Home_ began blaring out of it (Loud enough so they could hear it, but quiet enough so they wouldn't get noise complaints from the neighbors). They opened the van doors and went to meet their grandma.

Mike and Jake ran up to Grandma and hugged her. "Grandma!"

She smiled, and hugged them back. "Welcome home! You have been gone for so long!" Jake laughed. "That's not how it goes!"

"I haven't heard the song in a while!" "It's playing right now!" "I know, dear!"

Mark stopped their playful banter by pressing the stop button on the tape player. "That's enough of that!" he said, in mock annoyance.

Miriam hugged Mark. "How are you, dear?"

Mark smiled. "Fine, grandma. Did you see the news last night?"

"Yes, I did. Stan was _very_ happy." She laughed.

Jake was still baffled. "I still don't get how those jerks were able to do all of those things and not get arrested."

"Wait till you meet Stan." Grandpa said. Grandma turned in surprise, and ran to her husband.

"Art!" "Miriam!" They hugged and kissed each other.

Rather than be grossed out, their grand-kids found it cute. "Aaawwwww!"

Grandpa was embarrassed slightly. "You guys should go unpack, if we're going to the Mystery Shack. Heh. I'm a poet, and I don't even know it."

"Dipper and Mabel are just _dying_ to meet you!" Grandma added.

"Okay" Jake, Mark and Mike said in unison, and ran to the front door to go upstairs. "Oh, and boys?"

They all turned to face their grandmother, waiting for her response.

She grinned. "Now that you are stuck with me, you better make new friends!" imitating King Diamond's raspy growling.

They laughed, and went upstairs to go unpack.

 **A/N: This first chapter was kind of long, especially the prologue. They won't all be like that. This first chapter was kind of a pain to write. I'll get more into it as the story goes on. If anyone was wondering why Wendy was going on about guys, especially after "Boyz Crazy" and "Society of the Blind Eye", I think that she eventually mellowed out from her 'forget about guys' phase, and just started focusing on finding a good guy.  
**

 **Edit: I removed the two problems the chapter had. I was going to have it be dark humor, like the show does all the time. Wendy would be on Dipper's side of Roadside Attraction, and probably want the girls to face some kind of karma. I just went too far with that, and Wendy ended up being out-of-character. I also realized having the girls who got mad at Dipper _die_ would be too mean-spirited. I replaced those parts with some in-character ramblings and humor. I hope that's better. I'll make sure the next chapter is in-character, and isn't mean-spirited. I should have an update next week. Until then, leave some reviews and constructive criticism.  
**


End file.
